Rubbing his eyes as he gets up from his sleeping position, he turns his head to the right. He doesn't really know why. He steps out of bed, yawning as he stretches his arms. The suns rays shine majestically down upon him as he makes this motion, providing him with something of a solar cleansing. He could care less about being clean, though, as he steps towards the window.
He looks out, a light sheet of snow has dusted the yard in front of him. He always loved the snow, especially as a kid. But now, the sight of snow blinds him. Not literally, of course, but mentally. He can’t stand looking at it, in spite of its pristine frosty beauty on this crisp winter’s day.
“Why?”
He asks himself. Why did it have to snow? Why today? Chad’s nephew was coming to visit him, and he wanted nothing more than to have a positive outlook and a genuine smile.
The future flashed before him after what seemed like a fast forward through reality, and he heard the knock on the door. He saw his own smile. It wasn’t genuine. He hated the thought of giving his nephew Luke a smile that was anything less than genuine. He turned to the left, and then looked out again, hoping the snow would be gone. Even though he knew this maneuver was utterly illogical, he did it anyway. You see, not only was the snow blinding, to Chad, it was deafening. His world stopped.
In somewhat of an out of body experience, visions of Sarah flashed before his eyes. Chad was still looking out towards the snow dusted street, but he was staring right past it. Not even aware of the physical images his eyes were interpreting and sending to his brain as what we refer to as sight, it was the mental images from the past that Chad was really seeing. They were haunting yet angelic.
He reached out to touch her hand as their eyes met across the dinner table. He remembered their first date like it was yesterday. Uncertainty filled his mind to the brim, so much so he was sure it was about to explode. His heart was beating out of chest. He was looking for some sign of reassurance, something, anything. And then she gave it to him: a smile. Relief flowed through his veins, providing his soul with a satisfaction that only she could offer. This was the first time in his life he could recall someone having this uncanny power over his emotions; the ability to immediately take a negative emotion and actually turn it into a wonderful feeling with nothing but a smile. He'd never forget that moment.
He unwillingly snapped out of this mental hallucination, and discovered that he was still staring at the snow. Something of a calm came over him, just for a brief moment. He knew she had once again snatched away his negative feeling, without even physically being in his presence. But for Chad, Sarah was always with him in some way.
His calm faded. He recalled the day he let her go. It all happened so fast, it wasn't supposed to end like that. He remembered her slamming the screen door, and how he didn't care.
'Let her go.' Chad recalled his thoughts that accompanied the sound of the slam. 'If she was what I thought, this would have never happened. We'd never be where we are.'
But they were, somehow, they let it turn into this. They let something so great, turn into a slam of the door. And he wasn't going to stop her.
He regrets that moment every day. He knew it wasn't supposed to end like that, it should have never gotten that bad. He knew how to fix it, and he knew how to get her back. And that's exactly what Chad planned on doing.
Without showering he threw on his clothes. He knew he had to do his best to put on a happy face for his nephew Luke, with or without these overwhelming emotions he was still experiencing. While the snow certainly had destroyed his day, he didn't want it to destroy his nephew's as well.
Chad lumbered down the stairs, with his eyes on the prize: coffee. Oh, he found the sweet strong taste of coffee very appealing. And there was something with Chad and having his coffee black. He preferred it with cream, but that wouldn't do: black only. He had his theories why. It was a toss up between finding that the black color that filled his cup represented his mood. Or perhaps, it had something to do with not feeling worthy of cream.
'Who's not worthy of cream?' Chad thought to himself. 'Me.' He quickly retorted. He frequently had these little back and forth dialogues with himself. But at least when Luke came he knew he'd be able to put that habit aside for a while.
He stirred the sugar in his coffee. The clang of the spoon against the mug brought back another painful memory.
"Why?" He asked himself. "Why does something so simple as stirring coffee have to bring back this pain?" He hated it. "You know why." Chad quickly responded. "Maybe if you weren't such a fucking moron. Stop it."
The aroma from the coffee catapulted into his nose as he stirred. It was too much for him to take. He stirred faster. He stirred even faster. He was losing sight of what was going on. Faster still. The coffee spilled all over him.
"Fuck!" The physical pain was the last thing Chad needed on top of the emotional pain. "Dammit, now I'm going to have to change my pants."
The truth is, the pain from the burn was a reprieve from his thoughts. As his spoon was stirring, his brain was stirring, and the memory burned much more. It was two years ago, but he could see the visions like they were yesterday.
Chad opened the door to his favorite getaway, the Kerhonkson diner. Gregg greeted him with the usual smile.
"Hey there buddy, quite the storm out there, huh?"
"Yeah Gregg, you know how it goes with me and the rain. Can't stand to be in the house, can't stand to be outside. I guess this old joint will just have to do."
Gregg let's out a brief smirk. "Yeah Chad, well I'm happy to have you here. So then, what'll it be."
"The usual, Gregg. Coffee with cream and sugar, lots of cream."
"Sounds good to me Chad." Gregg pours Chad a cup and pauses for a moment and sighs. "What are you doing with your life Chad? You plan on staying in this podunk town forever? You're young, 21, you've got your entire life ahead of you. You don't want to waste it here."
Chad already had is response in mind having faced this question before, "You know me Gregg, how can I dream about living in the city if I already live there?"
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. You're a dreamer, always have been. Just like your pops." Gregg had gone to school with Chad's dad before he passed away. "You need to dream to keep your spirit alive."
"Damn straight Gregg. Now how 'bout that cream?"
Chad put his spoon in the cup and began stir. He loved the sound the spoon made as it pinged and clanged against the inside of the cup. As Chad was absorbing this noise, another noise instantly caught his attention. The diner door swung open. At first he thought nothing of it, but then he looked to his right.
There she was. Chad's jaw dropped, not literally of course. She was soaking wet from the storm, and had some kind of bruise on her face. She was clearly not looking her best, but as far as Chad was concerned this only added to her beauty.
"Fuck!" It was the first word out of her mouth. Chad had never heard such a beautiful word before in his life. He never knew such a rotten word could sound so wonderful.
"Uh, what's wrong there darling." Gregg was quick to address the situation while Chad remained with his jaw figuratively dropped.
"Forgive my language I'm sorry. It's just I was driving and a racoon jumped out in front of my car and I couldn't see because of the rain and I didn't want to hit it, and I swerved and.."
"Whoa, slow down there angel. Don't worry, I'll get you all taken care of. Everything's gonna be fine." Gregg's age shined through his composure.
Chad on the other hand, couldn't take it anymore. He burst out laughing.
"Holy shit! Oh man, you got into an accident because of a racoon!" Chad covered his face to try and gain his composure. The last thing he wanted was to offend this damsel he was instantly attracted to. He knew this outburst was destroying his chances, but he couldn't help it.
"Excuse me," she was having none of it. "Do you see me? Do I look like someone who needs to be laughed at? You're a jackass."
Chad more or less instantly gained his composure. "Listen, listen. I'm sorry, it's just the raccoon part, it got me. I couldn't help it. To tell you the truth, I felt terrible laughing." Chad looked down towards his coffee, then his hand. Then he looked up at her. It was at this moment that their eyes met. He saw the pain in her eyes, he felt her pain. But more than this, he saw his entire future flash before his eyes. And it was with her. He had never felt more protective in his life. "Is there anything I can do to help you, let me make it up to you. Please, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made light of your pain."
"No, you're fine." Her reply wasn't giving him the time of day. She returned her attention to Gregg. "You said there was something you could do to help me?"
"Yes, darlin', just let me make a few calls."
"I really appreciate it." She was drained. "If you don't mind, I'm just gonna wait over there now." She grabbed her purse and made her way to the booth.
"What the hell under earth is wrong with you son!" Gregg smashed his hand on the counter. "You don't treat anyone like that, especially a girl, and especially a girl in trouble."
Chad didn't respond. He just stared at Gregg. Gregg peered into his eyes, waiting for something. After about 10 seconds of silence, Gregg shook his head. "Listen son, you need to get your shit together."
Chad continued to stare. But this time at his coffee. His emotions had robbed his ability to speak. He felt absolutely abysmal. Except, he didn't feel bad for himself. He felt perfectly fine. Chad was feeling all her pain, the pain she had just experienced and the pain he had caused her. Never before had he felt this sort of pain before in his life. It was as if they were connected somehow, and her pain was actually being transferred to him. And It was worse than his personal pain, magnified, because he had already realized she was more important to him than he was to himself, at least for that moment. Never before had he felt so completely and utterly helpless.
Chad's emotions were rattled. He had just experienced a realm of pain he never knew existed. He somehow instantly cared for this girl, and he wasn't sure why.
"It's not like she's a knockout." Chad thought to himself. "I mean, she's alright but dear lord, I've never seen someone so pretty in my life." His thoughts contradicted, but he continued. "It wasn't how she looked, it couldn't have been." It was at that moment he realized it. "It was her. It was her essence, her presence. Her eyes, her smile."
"Oh shit." Chad softly mumbled to himself. The true gravity of the situation finally set in. His eyes peered to his left, he saw Gregg on the phone making some calls. His eyes slowly peered to his right. There she was in the corner booth looking at the window. Mascara was dripping down her eyes from the rain and tears. Chad thought it was ironic the mascara smears made her somewhat resemble a raccoon, and let out a brief smirk before catching himself. He did his best to inconspicuously glance her way. Looking at her provided him with this odd natural pleasure.
Her saw her finger tap the table. Tap tap. Tap tap. He found it beautiful. He thought it was strange that she was tapping with her pinky, but it was oddly alluring. She shifted her hand to have it rest it on her face. Even that he found hypnotic. Her eyes peered upwards. Back and forth, left to right, they were seducing the ceiling, He wondered what she was looking at up there. He was mesmerized. Soon, his eyes were making the same movement; looking at the ceiling, back and forth, left to right. He didn't realize it, but he was unwittingly mimicking her gestures. His main concern at that moment was making sure she didn't realize he was glaring her way.
Gregg shouted from the corner, "Alright darling, I've got a taxi and a tow truck all set up for you now. He'll take you wherever you'd like to go."
Gregg's voice brought her eyes towards Chad's. Still peering, he did his best to cover up his visual intentions, and quickly looked the other way.
She grabbed her purse and made her way over to the counter. Chad was now staring at his coffee once again as she began to speak. "Oh thank heavens. You're a saint sir."
"Think nothin' of it mam. You know what this world's missing, don't you? More kindness to strangers." Gregg believed that with all his heart.
"That's a very nice thought sir. I think you're right."
"I know I'm right darling." Gregg's fatherly presence shined through.
"I know you're right too." She found the sentiment hard to disagree with.
Chad continued to stare down at his coffee, overhearing the entire conversation. He felt like he should say something, but didn't have the courage.
She nodded her head in appreciation and made her wait back to the table to await the arrival of her cab. The rain was picking up even more now. Slamming intensely against the roof and the windows, Chad felt as if it was voicing it's disapproval for the way he had handled the situation. But he honestly didn't know what to do. He questioned going over there and making a fool of himself. She had already made her disinterest quite clear. But at the same time he didn't know how he could possibly let her slip out of his life.
He stared off into space for the next ten minutes, occasionally looking her way. He found it euphoric and agonizing at the same time. Euphoric because the sight of her overwhelmed him and agonizing because he feared never seeing her again.
Chad saw the lights from the cab pulling up. He immediately buried his head in his arm. A million thoughts were racing through his head at once, with one standing out among all others. "She's gone."
"Well, that's my ride." Her attention was directed at Gregg. "Thank you so much again sir."
"Of course dear, now you take care of yourself. And watch out for them 'coons!"
She let out a brief smile. "Ok, I'll remember that." She grabbed the door handle of the diner, she paused for a moment.
Chad had already wiped her out of his life, assuming he'd never see her again. This pause had his imagination running wild.
"Why was she pausing?" He thought. "Maybe she wants to say something to me before she goes. Maybe deep down she had felt what I was feeling, and knew how truly sorry I am." Oh, how the possibilities had Chad's mind running rampant. He once again felt a sliver of hope.
After this brief delay, she turned her head back towards the booths. Chad peered over his shoulder in anticipation. She said but a few words, "And thanks again sir, you don't know how much this means."
Gregg nodded her way in appreciation. Chad felt completely pathetic. How could he have let his imagination get the best of him, he wondered.
'Like she was actually going to say something to me! I should have known better.' Chad thought to himself.
And just like that, she was a silhouette in the rain. Chad spun his chair around to get one last sight of her before she vanished from his life forever. Lightning struck, lighting up the night in sheer brilliance, as if it was day for a split second. The color of her clothing went from shades of darkness to what looked like a vibrant canvas, decorated with the world's most beautiful colors, and he had never seen such a breathtaking painting.
He saw her approach the taxi. He saw his future slipping away. The rest was instinct. He propelled his body towards the door by pushing his hands off the counter. In what was less than a second he swung open the diner door and shouted the only words that came to mind. He didn't have enough time to actually consider what he was doing.
"Don't go!"
With her hand about to touch the door handle she turned back towards him. Regardless of her response, Chad was already pleased with his hasty decision. The vision of her standing in the rain, looking his way; hair drenched, clothes drenched, coupled with the sound of the storm was something he knew he'd never forget. She wasn't feeling what he was, so she didn't really care to give him the time of day. But the peculiar nature of his request led to a response. "What?"
Chad hadn't thought any further than, "don't go," so this "what" had caught him completely off guard. He didn't want the situation to remain awkward, so he did is best to quell it. "Well, I mean, just let me pay for your cab fare, it's the least I can do. You know, after acting like a jerk back there." That thought came to him in a moment of brilliance he can't attribute to himself.
"Well, maybe you are a gentleman after all." She responded. "After flying out the door like that, how could I turn you down?"
Chad smiled, in what was perhaps the most relieving smile of his life. She smiled in return. He was in heaven for the briefest moment. He never knew heaven was so dark and wet.
"Oh, thank you so much." He couldn't get the words out fast enough. He grabbed the money from his wallet.
"Wait, wait." She was confused. "You're thanking me? Shouldn't I be the one thanking you?"
"Uhh, I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm confused." That's the best he could think of.
"Wait, so now you're thankful, confused and sorry. You're one interesting fellow."
Chad was bumbling all over himself and apparently it was working in his favor. "I guess." He acknowledged her quip. "Well here, take the money." Chad handed her 40 bucks.
"40 bucks! I don't think I can accept all this."
"What's money but paper. Or nowadays electronic digits on a computer screen. I think the real purpose of money is so we can do nice things for each other. That's what I've always thought anyway."
"You know, that's a really nice thought." She was quick to respond. By now they were both totally saturated and borderline shouting just so they could hear each other. "Tell you what, with that in mind, how 'bout I do something nice for you, and use this other 20 bucks I'll never use on this taxi to buy us lunch tomorrow, my treat." She winked his way, acknowledging how "her treat" was technically still his. He could care less.
Chad had just hit the jackpot of all jackpots.
Chad stumbled down the stairs after putting some clean pants on. The insidious pain from the burn was just setting in, and Chad accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the rest of the day. It certainly wasn't going to make putting on a smile for Luke any easier. But at least the burn had shocked him back into reality just a bit.
As he came down the stairs the coffee pot came into view. "Just enough for another cup." Chad thought. Chad had to have his coffee. It wasn't always like that, but if he didn't he felt like there was something he'd forgotten to do for the rest of the day. It would nag at him continually, so he always figured the easiest thing to do was just to drink the damn stuff.
As he took a sip he looked forward. Noticing the snow was visible through the window, he turned his chair just enough so he didn't have to bear looking at it. Chad was hopeful that one day the snow wouldn't bother him so much, but he had his doubts that day would ever come. He wanted to move somewhere where it never snowed, but the thought of that was even more unbearable to him.
Finishing up his cup off coffee, he grabbed his phone to check the time. He had a bad habit of staying up til three or four and waking up around noon. Luke was supposed to arrive at one, and it was already 12:40.
"Damn," Chad muttered to himself. He loved his nephew, but today just wasn't his day. Not that any day was really Chad's day since Sarah left, but today especially. "Alright bud, here's to hoping your acting class in high school pays off again." With that, he sat his ass on the couch and awaited Luke's arrival.
The doorbell rang. Chad wondered if it was going to be Mark or Jess to drop off Luke. Usually it was Jess, and that's how he preferred it. As he opened the door, he was relieved to find his sister Jess with Luke by his side.
"Hey Jess, how you doing?" Chad didn't speak with much enthusiasm.
"Doing good Chad, doing good. How 'bout yourself?"
"You know how things have been lately Jess, could be a lot better." Chad chuckled at his own thought. 'Well, that's the understatement of the year.'
"Yeah Chad, you've got us all pretty worried. Why don't you drop in and see the family more? I think it would be good for you." The concern in Jess's eyes was genuine. Chad just hated getting drilled by people, family members in particular.
"Yeah Jess, you're right, I could use that." He did his best to go along with her suggestion, even though he had no real plans of making that effort.
Luke, still sheepishly clinging to his mothers arm, directed a smile toward Chad.
"Luke! My little superhero! How you doing buddy?" The sight of Luke brightened up Chad's day a little more than expected, he just wasn't sure how long it would last though.
"I'm good Uncle Chad." Luke said such few words but with such happiness in every one, since they were often accompanied by a large smile.
"Aww, that's great buddy! Good to hear, good to hear." Chad directed his attention back to Jess. "Alright Jess, well it was good to see you."
"Good to see you too Chad. And remember what I said about the family." Jess wanted to drive her point home.
"Alright Jess. Well, I think it's time me and Luke started having fun!" Chad directed his excited tone towards Luke, which spurred him to giggle and jump up and down.
"Bye Chad. Take care of my baby for me."
"Alright Jess, don't worry. We're gonna have a good time. He's in good hands." Chad tried his best to instill comfort in Jess about Luke staying with him. She had a few concerns.
It wasn't long after she'd realize those concern were valid.
No comments:
Post a Comment